


Bug

by serafina20



Series: Missing Pieces [2]
Category: Lost
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-30
Updated: 2011-01-30
Packaged: 2017-10-15 05:59:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/157730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serafina20/pseuds/serafina20
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I feel pinned, like a bug under a microscope</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bug

"She's falling in love with you, you know," I say as Jack passes my hiding place.

He stops and that goofy smile from last night breaks out over his face. He drops his bag and turns towards the sound of my voice, and a ray of light breaks through the trees and falls on his face and I realize that I'm really, really lucky. That smile is all for me, and it's not because of the news I just gave him. He's just that happy that I exist.

Even though I'm not too sure I do exist. Not anymore.

"What are you skulking out here for?" Jack asks. He takes a step forward, but I can't bear to watch him leave the light, so I go to him. His arms go around my waist and his lips press into my neck and I think that this is suddenly all too easy.

"Waiting for you," I tell him. I let him push me back against the tree, his hand creeping underneath my shirt. "I figured you wouldn't want me to talk to you in front of... you know. Her."

"I have nothing to hide."

"Except you do." I stroke the back of his head until he looks at me. "Do you really want her to find out your gay because of the way you act around me? I mean, as far as she's concerned, the last eight days, the two of you have been forging a bond. It'd be harsh to destroy it like that. Especially since it's me."

He frowns at that, but doesn't say anything to refute my statement. I'm glad he doesn't. I mean, since we crashed, I've been nothing but a fuck up. And when I fuck up, I do it in big ways. I mean, Charlie isn't exactly the most productive member of the strange sort of mini-community that's been created in the past few days, but at least he comes off as mostly harmless. He's cute and he's eager and he has those huge puppy-dog eyes. When he does help, he does it in little ways, like Hurley or... well, most everyone else.

I try to help in big ways, but I'm fighting too hard. The island doesn't want me to try and be the hero. The leader. It already chose Jack for that, so any time I try, it trips me up. I swear it's true.

Sometimes, I feel I've been going for years without an identity. I'm beat on, and now the island is picking up the slack.

"I don't want to tell her," he finally says. "I don't want to have to try and explain... I like Kate a lot. She's great. I feel a connection with her."

"But it's not the same as this." And I'm not seeking reassurance. Really.

He just shakes his head and kisses me. "No, it's not." He kisses me again, and it's like liquid flowing through me. His hands run over my face and around my neck, holding me.

I tense for a moment, the situation too familiar, but then his hands go down further and really ruck up my shirt, and the moment is gone. It's gone, and I'm on fire. The island is too hot, the air is heavy on my skin, and his hips just rock into mind intently.

"I still can't believe all this," he whispers. Jack bites my lower lip and I moan loudly. "You're so beautiful. I guy like you would never look twice at someone like me in real life."

And... I can't help it. I just, freeze. Totally and utterly.

Jack stops, his fingers inches away from my nipple, and pulls back. "Boone?"

I feel the island sort of roll though me, half amused, half challenging.

"Is something wrong?"

I search frantically for something to say. "I'm really tired," is what comes out, and it tastes like failure. Or stupidity.

"Did you sleep last night?" He touches my face with the back of his hand, looking concerned.

"I haven't... really. At all," I admit. "I’m just... it seems like every time I drift off, something snaps me back awake. Like she doesn't want me to sleep."

His frown deepens. "Your sister?"

"No, the island."

"You just said she," he tells me.

I hadn't realized I'd assigned a gender to the island. God, maybe I really am going crazy.

My head falls forward onto his shoulder. "I want to go home," I whisper, and it hurts to admit. Especially considering what I'd have to go back to.

Jack rubs my neck and holds me tightly. "Come to the caves with me," he whispers. His lips brush over my temple. "We've got water and shelter. You can't hear the ocean, and we can go somewhere and be alone. I'll stay while you sleep and I won't let anything disturb you. You can rest. And then, if you want, you can come back here to Shannon."

I want to. God, I want to so badly. The idea of going into the jungle, away from the ever present sound of waves crashing against the shore which I haven’t learned to block out yet, away from the every present sun that beats down and heats the sand, even under the tent where me and Shannon sleep, away from Sawyer who's smirks and anger are wearing at my nerves, away from Kate, who wants what's mine, and away from Sayid who can't admit that we won't be rescued because we don't exist anymore....

I want to. Want to rest. Want to sleep. But...

The island threatens disaster if I do. I can feel it. Every inch of the traitorous body that's surrendered to the island without asking my say so warns me that if I go with him, *something* will happen.

Reluctantly, I pull away. "I can't. I'm one of the only ones left that knows about the French woman, and Sayid asked me if I'd meet with him and Kate later about some... plan." I smile wearily. "But I promise. Soon."

"You have to take care of yourself, Boone," he tells me. "You can't keep running until there's nothing left. No matter what, it's going to be awhile before we're rescued."

I want to cry. I don't know what the island wants from me, and I can feel her disapproval at the idea of us being rescued, and I don’t know if I want to go home, but...

"I just want to sleep," I said, closing my eyes. "She won't let me, and until she does, I have to keep busy."

Jack kisses me, and then rests his forehead against my own. "I understand, Boone. But if you don't sleep by tomorrow, fuck what the bitch wants and come sleep with me. You're no good to anyone, not even her, if you're dead." He kisses me again and pulls away. "I'll talk to you soon."

I don't move from the tree as I watch Jack pick up his belongings and walk away. I feel pinned, like a bug under a microscope, knowing where I want to be, but too busy being examined and picked apart by a force much, much bigger than myself.

A twig cracks, a bush snaps into place, and then Jack is gone.

* * *

When Charlie first explodes onto the beach screaming about Jack, I think it's a test. Not Charlie isn't really upset, and I ... almost don't think that Jack would do something like this to me, but there's this part of me that...

Let's just say, my mind has been well and truly fucked with in the past, and I've known people who wouldn't hesitate to pretend that they were in trouble just to get a rise out of me. Just to make sure that I cared.

And then, once I was convinced it was real--which wasn't until I actually got there and saw the cave-in--the thought occurred to me that maybe it wasn't Jack who was testing me. Maybe it was the island.

But it wasn't. None of this was about me. So much for ego, right? It was about Charlie and giving him a chance to prove himself and get over whatever he was one. And I can see it when he and Jack emerge from the cave, the sort of peace on Charlie's face that shows he's there. In that space beyond needing to deaden the pain, in that place of self-acceptance and true joy. It's like Jack's a fucking miracle worker or something, and I *really* wish I'd been trapped in the cave with him.

"Don't go tonight," Jack whispers to me later. I'm in the shadows, away from where he and Charlie had been sitting by the fire as Charlie shakes and sweats whatever he was on out of him. I need to go because Shannon's on the beach and I'm...

Jealous of Charlie.

I start to pull away, and Jack grabs my hand. "Don't go." And his lips are on my neck, arms around my waist. He pushes me against a tree and I'm starting to wonder if he has a tree fetish. "Stay with me."

"Jack, people will see us."

"People only see what they want to see." He bites my neck. "And maybe I don't care." Jack caressed my chin and looks at me like I'm something really... really cool. Like a toy he's always wanted, or some kind of pet.

I rub my eyes. "I don't want people to stop listening to you because of me. And what about Kate?"

"What about her?" He looks confused and loosely loops both arms around my waist. "You of all people should get that there isn't anything between the two of us."

"She thinks there is." I sigh and let my head rest against the tree. "You should have seen her, digging you out like a madwoman. After the second cave in, we were trying to catch our breath, and then she came. All she just started screaming at us and trying to dig you out all by herself."

"That was nice of her. But she also hadn't spent an hour trying to dig me out in the first place." He presses his lips into my forehead. "There's nothing between her and me."

"Kate doesn't know that. And it's not really fair to her. Leading her on like this."

Jack sighs and rests his head against my neck. "Yeah, you're right. I know that, but I don't know how to tell her. I like her, I do. She's comfortable and tough and very appealing. But she's not the right gender and she's not you."

I stroke his short hair, enjoying the feeling the spikiness of the buzzed locks. "So. About it being me." I hate myself for asking.

Jack kisses me and rests our foreheads together. "Yeah. Aren't I lucky that the one guy I know for certain is gay on this stupid island not only happens to be the most gorgeous man I've ever seen, but also happens to be perfect?"

"You don't know that I’m perfect." God, I'm maudlin right now. And morose and morbid. And exhausted.

"No, I don't. But we're starting a relationship, so allow me my delusions." He kisses me again and then pulls away. "Please. Let's just go sit down for awhile, you can close your eyes and get some rest." He kisses my cheek and starts pulling me back to the fire. "Kate can tell Shannon you're going to be awhile."

"Yeah, okay. But just for awhile."

Mike is still there with Walt. I hear Walt asking if they can stay, and it's so beautiful by the pool, I can see why. Charlie rejoins the group and sits next to Jack and me. He looks awful, but at peace. Kate agrees to take my message to Shannon, and when she's gone, I lay down. I don't put my head in his lap like I want to, but the top of my head presses against his thigh. As I doze, he reaches down and strokes my hair. I'm too tired to worry if anyone notices.

When Locke sits down, he catches my eye and gives me a knowing smile. I just blink tiredly at him and try to let it go. If he wants to make an issue of it, let him, but I can tell he won't. He's way too connected to the island to give a shit about sexuality.

And, late that night, after everyone is asleep, Jack pulls me into his shelter and into his embrace. I figure he wants sex, and even though I have a million questions (is he clean, do we have condoms, is there anything on this island that'll pass for lube), I just sort of close my eyes and wait for him to start. Because I do want him and have since I got over the first wave of my shock and it'd be nice to feel again. And I think I can trust him; he is a hero, after all.

I close my eyes and wait, feeling his hand creep underneath my shirt again, stroking my stomach. It feels good, and I start to relax. Sort of.

I wait. And then his hand slips beneath the waistband of my jeans and...

Stays. And then

Jack starts snoring. It's soft, and his warm breath brushes against the back of my neck. His hand is still beneath my waistband, his leg is somehow wedged between mind, and he holds me gently.

Sleeping.

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and close my eyes. Apparently, Jack really is one of the good guys. He wants me to sleep and he means it.

I should probably try. For him.

Snuggling back against him, I close my eyes and try to block out everything. Sleep is, as ever, elusive, but, safe and warm with this strange man I'm so strongly connected with, I do find peace.


End file.
